Kat Wray is a non-traditional wedding photographer and the talent behind Red Eclectic. She’s photographed hundreds of weddings and has a lot of thoughts about what makes a wedding actually work, not just look good on Instagram. And luckily for us? For The Mindful Issue, she’s shared them! From asking the right questions before you book anything, to potluck dessert tables and just eloping when it all gets too hard, here’s her guide to planning a wedding that feels like you, complete with plenty of real-life examples.

As a non-traditional wedding photographer, I am a huge advocate for mindful, authentic wedding experiences for couples. Because of this and the kind of clients I attract, I’ve seen a lot of different ways to celebrate a wedding. From tiny elopements on a hillside to huge parties in a warehouse, one thing my couples usually have in common is that they have mindfully planned a day that feels good, not just looks good.

What is a mindful wedding, you ask? A mindful wedding is planning a wedding day representative of a couple’s relationship, personality and values – not just aesthetics, social media trends, or outdated traditions.

When a couple and I first get together to discuss their wedding day, I like to ask lots of questions and gauge whether a couple are doing something because they want to, or because they think they have to. I’m all for ditching things that don’t make sense, don’t feel right, or just aren’t important to the couple. I want couples to feel confident to plan a wedding they’re passionate about, and these meetings often turn into fun idea sessions. I get particularly excited when they go through with some of my wacky ideas!

Having helped plan and photograph hundreds of mindful weddings over the years, I wanted to share everything I know about planning a mindful wedding.

BEFORE YOU BEGIN PLANNING, ask yourselves a few simple questions

It’s easy to leap straight into a typical wedding checklist, starting a wedding Pinterest Board and start enquiring with venues you’ve had your eyes on. But before you get caught up in all that, stop and ask yourselves a few simple questions to determine a few meaningful and important things that you want from your day:

  • Why are you having a wedding? What is the goal?
    It seems like a funny question to ask yourselves, but it can make planning a lot easier. Having an overall goal (and WHY you have that goal) gives you a framework for making good and confident decisions. For example, if your wedding goal was “A small and intimate gathering so we feel calm and relaxed, and to celebrate over a great meal with great conversation”, then you’re not likely to invite extended family you don’t know very well or book a DJ for dancing.
  • For a moment, forget what your dream wedding looks like. Close your eyes and think about what your dream wedding feels like.
  • Play the ‘This or That’ game. It’s a fun way to work out some major decisions:
    • Would you rather it be calm or exciting?
    • Do you think you’d enjoy being surrounded by people, or in a small group (or just the two of you)?
    • Do you like big energy or quiet moments?
    • Indoors or outdoors?
    • Cold or warm?

Keep the game going and keep track of your answers. It’s ok if you disagree!

Over the years, I have met lots of couples who began with one idea of a wedding, and after having a good chat ab, out it they completely changed their plans. Either changing from big weddings to small elopements, or traditional plans to epic adventures, breaking down the ‘why’ really helps a couple plan the perfect wedding for them.

CONSUMER POWER: choose wisely

Have you ever considered the impact of what you buy? Compare the impact of buying something handmade from a local artisan over buying a shady knockoff on Temu – I know what you’ll value more in the long run (and what will last longer!). This is your opportunity to engage like-minded vendors with the same values as you, to support local businesses, and to put your money where it counts.

A mindful guide to consumerism is to ask these three questions before buying anything:

  • Do we really need it?
  • What is the impact of this purchase? (Has it been ethically and sustainably made? Will there be waste? Will you use it again?)
  • Does it have to be new?

Darya and Steve carefully chose their vendors for their ethical and sustainable practices, such as Euka Floral Design for their sustainable floristry, Hayley from Run Wild Creative for her vintage and sustainably resourced ceremony furniture, and the Eco Faeries to entertain the kids. Darya had even hand-painted all the table setting names. For the high tea, family and friends contributed a homemade dessert, and they rented vintage tea cups.

TOGETHERNESS: plan it together, greet everyone together & walk the aisle together

Most modern couples have already established a life together before they get married. They live together, make decisions together, and a wedding is just a final formality. Long gone are the days of outdated hetero wedding traditions, like fathers passing on ownership to a husband, men taking the lead on greeting guests and speeches, or a woman getting her one spotlight moment walking the aisle.

So, if we were to create brand new wedding traditions and rituals, wouldn’t it be all about togetherness? You’re hosting the biggest party of your lives, so it makes sense to celebrate that together!

When I first spoke to Paula and Dion about their big wedding party, they were both equally invested in planning the celebration. It was clear that the priority was to celebrate with the people they loved. Having legally eloped during covid, this wedding party was the moment they could finally bring everyone together to celebrate.

On the day, they stood together and greeted all their guests as they arrived. The guests queued up for a quick welcoming hello hug and a photo then walked through to the circular ceremony to sit down. Then Paula and Dion entered together and stood in the center surrounded by all their favourite people. It felt so right, and so ‘them’. The way it should be.

 SHARING: bring your community together

Watching friends and family come together to help make a wedding day great for a couple, creates such an amazing sense of love and community. From helping set up on the day, making decorations, making your own outfits, or asking your friends to entertain or give a great speech – there’s plenty of ways to include your community in your wedding.

Ash and Tom’s wedding felt like a huge love fest. They greeted all their guests together on arrival, and then walking the aisle together. Ash, a primary school teacher, got her students to create the table decorations. The family collected flowers from gardens for the tables. But the big one, was their potluck dessert table!

For a potluck dessert table, they asked family and friends if they’d like to contribute a dessert – making an absolute feast for guests and a fun way to include everyone. The longest line I’ve ever seen at a wedding is for the epic dessert table for Ashleigh and Tom’s wedding. The only hard part was choosing what to try first!

 COMPROMISE: trying to find the perfect balance of ceremony and celebration

Sometimes it’s hard to plan a wedding that pleases everyone. Whether it’s family traditions and cultural expectations, or simply that a coupledom consists of an introvert and an extrovert. Either way, compromises can be made!

Something that has become quite common in the last few years (largely thanks to COVID) is couples who choose to separate the ceremony from the celebration. They either elope or have a small and intimate wedding ceremony, as this is often considered the most nerve-racking part of the day and the part with the most ritual and tradition attached to it. Then they have a big party at another time or day, with an extended group of guests. A party like this has less expectation and tradition attached to it and can even be more casual.

Heidi and Harry wanted an intimate and simple wedding ceremony in their Airbnb with only their immediate family and best friends present as well as a traditional Chinese tea ceremony. And then walked down the road to kick off a big party in an art gallery with the rest of their family and friends!

And if it gets too hard: just elope!

I’ve had quite a few couples who have been trying to plan a wedding for years, but keep hitting hurdles along the way. Whether it’s the stress and pressure of planning a huge event, budget, worrying about guest and family harmony, or just making decisions, eventually they realise eloping is the perfect solution.

Eloping is solely focused on the couple, and if planned right, very little can go wrong. There is a lot less to plan, the budget is a lot smaller, they don’t have to worry about anyone else but each other, and with the help of good vendors, decision-making can be easy.

For Ben and Pierra, the idea of having to invite all their family and have everyone stare at them during the ceremony was too much. Instead, they chose a special place where Ben had proposed, brought one friend as a witness (I was the other witness!) and got to bring their dog along too. After some photos, they got to enjoy some cake and drinks afterwards on a picnic bench.

Some couples choose to keep it a secret, especially if they’re worried about family expectations! But guess what? Once it’s done, there’s not a lot family can do about it. They’ll get over it, especially when they see how happy the couple looked in their elopement photos!

FINAL THOUGHTS

A wedding begins with two people in love, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Everything in between – the outfits, the venue, the rings – is all optional. Taking time to consider all your options, all your wild ideas, and what truly matters to both of you, means you’ll plan a wedding day that truly represents you both as a couple. And shouldn’t that be what weddings are all about?

About the author: Kat Wray is a non-traditional wedding photographer and the creative behind Red Eclectic. She specialises in elopements and helps no-fuss couples plan and document their wedding adventure, taking photos that ooze personality and offbeat vibes. Find her at redeclectic.com.au or @redeclectic on Instagram.