Beth Fernandes, psychologist and founder of online therapy service Therapy From Home, has been a bridesmaid five times and attended twenty weddings, including her own. She has a few thoughts about what we actually remember. Spoiler: it’s not the centrepieces.

I’ve been a bridesmaid five times and have been to around 19 weddings. (Twenty if you count my own.) Do I remember them all? Bits and pieces.

The weddings I do remember most are the ones with memorable stories. The ones with hiccups. The ones where something didn’t quite go according to plan.

When we’re planning our wedding, though, we want perfection. We spend countless hours (and dollars) choosing the perfect dress, the perfect flowers, the perfect invitations with the perfect font. We lie awake at night thinking, What if I trip walking down the aisle? What if Uncle Peter gets too drunk? What if Jodie tries to hook up with Dan? What if my mother-in-law hates my dress? What if Archie throws a tantrum during the speeches?

Did any of those things actually happen? Probably not.

But even if they did… that’s exactly what makes a wedding memorable.

People don’t remember a perfect wedding.

They might remember the photos. “Oh, didn’t you look beautiful,” they’ll say as they walk past the framed wedding picture hanging in your hallway on their way inside for dinner. Or, if we’re honest, they’ll probably walk straight past it.

You pour your energy, brainpower, time and heart into making every tiny detail perfect because you want it to be the most perfect day of your life. Yet five years later, most people barely remember it.

Sometimes, you barely remember it yourself.

So, from the 19 weddings I’ve attended (oops… 20 if you count my own), which ones do I remember?

The ones where the bride probably would have had a panic attack if she’d known what was about to happen.  I remember….

The one where Karen fell into the fishpond.

The one where my daughter threw acorns at the elderly guests (she was a perfect shot too).

Three weddings where someone ended up dancing half naked.

The one where the food ran out.

The one on Black Saturday, during Victoria’s devastating bushfires, when it was so unbearably hot they called the reception off three hours early and everyone went home.

And my own wedding.

Minutes before the reception, in the toilets, I realised I no longer fit into my sari. I called out for help and an aunty grabbed my fiancé’s uncle (who I had only just met) who came into the cubicle and ripped open the seam of my carefully tailored outfit and stitched me back together with nothing but safety pins while all the guests waited outside for us to make our grand entrance.  It was stressful…and a little uncomfortable.

Managing your wedding “what ifs”

  1. Write down all your wedding “what ifs” and grab some coloured highlighters.

  2. Mark the ones you can actually do something about in green.
    What if it rains? → Get some nice coloured umbrellas that fit your colour theme. Done. Move on.

  3. Mark the ones that are highly unlikely and completely out of your control in blue.
    What if he doesn’t show up?
    There’s nothing useful you can do with that one, so it doesn’t get any more of your energy. It gets parked.

  4. Mark the ones that could happen but you can’t really control in yellow.
    A guest doesn’t like the food. Someone spills something. Someone goes off script in the speeches.
    Annoying? Maybe. But also very normal wedding behaviour. These are the stories later.

  5. Sort out the greens properly. Make decisions, figure out your workarounds, tick them off. Feel the relief of actually solving something instead of just having it bounce around your head like a tennis ball.

  6. The blues go in the bin. Remind yourself: worrying about things you can’t control is just taking the fun out of planning your wedding.

  7. The yellows get a different treatment. Run the worst-case version in your head, then make it ridiculous.
    Because once it becomes a funny story, it stops feeling like a threat.

So don’t spend 12 months trying to create the perfect wedding. Chances are, something won’t go to plan. And one day, that’ll probably be your favourite story. Because nobody remembers a perfect wedding. They remember the memorable ones.

About the author: Beth Fernandes is a member of the Australian Association of Psychologists and psychologist at Therapy from Home an online psychology practice that focuses on building strong and trusting relationships to provide meaningful support and therapy.  If you need support managing your wedding ‘what if’s’ you can book now at www.therapyfromhome.au or check us out on Facebook. 

Photos by Victoria Baker via Cass & Jake’s Rustic Winter Wedding at Orchard Barn