Everyone talks about the wedding day. Almost nobody talks about the Tuesday six months later, when the excitement’s settled and you’re back to ordinary life together. Today we’re handing over the mic to Nicola Bodle who spent years photographing weddings (Fox & Kin) before retraining as a somatic sexologist, a genuinely unique vantage point on what actually happens to a relationship once the confetti’s swept up. Here’s advice on keeping the spark alive long after the day itself.

After countless hours of dreaming, planning and coordinating, you’ve done it! The most incredible day of your lives, and you’re so overjoyed to finally be married! You settle into life, ready to take on the world together. You know you’ll have to navigate little ups and downs along the way, but you are so deeply in love and nothing can change that.

And yet… everything changes, and you’re grieving how things used to be.

For months (or years) leading up to your wedding day, dopamine has been surging through your brain each time you took another step forward in planning. Venue booked? Dopamine. Celebrant? Dopamine. Music? Florals? Photographer? Ding! Ding! Ding!

The come down is hard. They don’t call it “Post Wedding Blues” for nothing. But it’s not simply that your wedding day is over. It’s a transition period to the next part of your relationship. We can all agree that the honeymoon feels pretty great, but your brain isn’t designed to stay in that phase forever. This period of change in a relationship is inevitable. The wonderful endorphins that used to fire when you first met? They have quietened down.

Early love is sparked by curiosity, anticipation, novelty and barriers to intimacy. The unknown is what makes it exciting, and that excitement fuels a cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that keep us hooked. As time goes on, you begin to build a life together. You spend countless hours planning your wedding day, dreaming together, and now it’s done. And you feel like everything’s flatlined.

Why do all the little things you used to find adorable now kind of irritate you? You notice yourselves scrolling side by side in bed each night, instead of ripping each other’s clothes off. Oh god, what is happening!? Where has the spark gone!?

From “the happiest day of our lives!” to “now what?”

Here are 5 tips for maintaining a vibrant and healthy relationship over time

1. Stay curious about one another
Remember when you first started dating and you wanted to know everything about them? You spent countless hours discussing your deepest hopes and dreams, asking questions about their inner world, and wondering how you might fit into the rich tapestry of their life. Now you ask them if they’ve fed the dog, what time that appointment is on Thursday, and whether they watched that reel you sent them? Apathy is a sex killer. You are not the same person you were 1, 5 or 10 years ago, and neither is your partner! Get to know who they are today, what excites them, what scares them, immerse yourself in their inner world and let them into yours.

2. Plan novel experiences together
Without the dopamine spikes of wedding day anticipation, novelty disappears, routine returns, you feel like there is nothing to look forward to, and the relationship takes a toll. It’s so easy to fall into a routine and become complacent. Planning dates together not only creates new experiences for you to share in, but it also builds anticipation and something to look forward to throughout the days and weeks.

3. Prioritise intimacy in all forms
A common trap we see a lot of couples fall into occurs when the only physical touch between them happens during or just prior to sex. If you never approach your partner for affection without the expectation of more, then they’ll quickly learn that affection means only one thing, leading to avoidance of any form of physical touch. Find other ways to foster intimacy like making out on the couch, dancing together or giving each other back rubs.

4. Build healthy communication
Over time, you may find yourself ruminating on something your partner said that rubbed you up the wrong way. Instead of speaking to them about how you feel, you stash it in your metaphorical jar of ammunition for next time they cross a line, so you can unleash the full force of everything they’ve done wrong in the past 3 months. Holding onto any form of resentment or contempt is the biggest killer of connection and intimacy. You need to talk. A lot. Finding ways to work through conflict will make you feel more connected and give space for desire.

5. Maintain a distinct sense of self
As time goes on, you may notice you and your partner slowly merging into one being in two bodies. You start to think the same, speak the same and do all the same things together. And as wonderful as it is to experience this sort of closeness, it can lead to all sorts of challenges, from blurry boundaries to loss of identity. Maintaining a sense of autonomy and individuality in a relationship will allow you to separate your emotions from one another and foster healthy intimacy as two independent beings.

Couples who reach out to each other, both physically and emotionally, are more likely to have lasting, vibrant and fulfilling relationships. It doesn’t happen automatically. Start the conversation now. Whether you’re planning your wedding or the post-wedding days, start integrating these 5 tips to maintain that spark over time.

Nicola Bodle is a somatic sexologist in Coffs Harbour on the NSW Mid North Coast. She offers private sessions and workshops to individuals and people in relationships. You can read more about her work and reach out at www.intimacywithnic.com. Despite no longer photographing weddings, she still maintains her craft through other photography projects at www.foxandkin.com.