When it comes to weddings, tradition often takes centre stage, but what if those traditions don’t quite reflect who you are as a couple? In today’s brilliant piece from celebrant, Jennifer Cram, she explores how today’s couples can honour the past while shaping ceremonies that feel authentic, inclusive, and true to their values. With years of experience guiding couples through the most meaningful part of their wedding day, Jennifer offers a refreshing perspective on navigating customs, balancing family expectations, and rethinking wedding traditions or rituals, so that your wedding day is unmistakably yours.

Photography: Dani Bartlett Photography from Bethany & Niko’s Warm Autumnal Wedding at Sunshine Social

Traditions make your wedding a wedding. But will the traditions you choose accurately express your values?

Weddings in Australia tend to follow a tried-and-true formula passed down through generations. Widely accepted traditions are followed by a ceremony that has a familiar structure, which in turn is followed by a formal reception filled with both social conventions and long-standing traditions. However, this formula is slowly evolving.

Today, 80% of wedding ceremonies are conducted by civil celebrants, a huge change from 52 years ago when most wedding ceremonies were held in church, with the registry office seen as a second best option available to those whom the churches wouldn’t marry. Apart from the legally required statements  that make up a tiny portion of the average 20-30 minute ceremony, couples are now free from the constraints inherent in religious ceremonies. At the same time, these ceremonies often require a higher level of cultural literacy. In 2024, 70% of marriages involved partners from differing cultural backgrounds.

Over the past 60 years there have been massive changes.  Gender, race, and religious barriers to marriage have been removed. Weddings have been transformed from modest family events into consumer extravaganzas. But one thing remains unchanged: weddings continue to be about values expressed through a mix of traditions, old and new.

Photography: Hereafter Studios from Jess & Liz’s Romantic Garden Wedding at Oxenberry Farm Wines

The Wedding Experience

For the marrying couple, getting married is an experience. A lengthy process that not only defines your relationship and changes your legal and social status, but also one which involves planning your wedding day as the culminating event. For everyone else, including the vendors involved, a wedding is an event with a well-understood purpose, made up of various traditions alongside commercial imperatives.

The challenge is how to plan a wedding that reflects your personality and expresses your values without alienating those closest to you. Your family might have strong ideas about what makes a “proper wedding.” Your guests might look for both the comforting familiarity of tradition and theatrical entertainment, and your vendors are eager to showcase their talents.

Pulling this off is easier than you might expect. It’s all about shifting your perspective. When you look at weddings differently, they become different. Awareness changes everything.

Navigating Wedding Traditions

However, there’s a catch. Weddings are too complex to view through a single lens. In order to be able to decide what to keep, discard, or reinvent, you need to look at the event as a whole and at individual traditions, examining their roots in culture, politics, or superstition, through the twin lenses of history and a 21st-century understanding of equality.

The good news? It’s the 21st century. Multi-tasking is our forte. In an era of rapid social change, it is easier to adapt traditions than it was for previous generations.

Photography: Margan Photography from Liza & Daniel’s Rustic Country Wedding at Petrichor Farm 

The Structure of the Day

Traditions, whether long-standing or newly added, vary widely in their origins. Today, these take place within the structure of a civil or celebrant-led wedding ceremony which still reflects the influence of the Church of England Ceremony. This template, comprising actions accompanied by words that often express patriarchal values, would still be recognised by a mediaeval bride..

Yet, the wedding industry’s focus has often been on the actions alone, the visuals that can be photographed or filmed. This has led to innovations like Flower Dudes, Nanas, and Pooches, Beer Dudes, the Dip Kiss, and inclusion of visually striking revived or invented traditions such as handfasting or the sand ceremony.

However, the subliminal messages conveyed by ceremonies often lag behind what is considered inclusive, respectful, and consistent with our contemporary legal and social environment. Brides are still often “given away” and couples are introduced as Mr and Mrs, subsuming the bride’s individual identity. A simple change could be inviting guests to “welcome [NAME] and [NAME] as they take their first steps into married life”.

Changing the Narrative

Keep the tradition, but change the narrative to reflect your values. Change the words while keeping the action. Follow the example of LGBTQ couples, who have shown how to blend tradition with personal heritage while avoiding just going through the motions.

To express equality, respect, and teamwork, consider adapting traditional vows into a shared statement you both can commit to. Extend this approach to all Action/Word combinations in the ceremony.

  • “You may kiss your bride” can become an invitation to “seal your vows with a kiss”.
  • “Who gives this woman” can become the gender-neutral “Does [NAME] come to be married to [NAME] with your blessing and support?” and be asked of both sets of parents
  • Make a grand entrance together, preceded by your wedding party in pairs.

Photography: Greta Wolzak Photography from Sam & Kareena’s Indian Scottish Fusion Wedding at Clover Cottage 

Bridging Cultural Traditions

Look for common values in traditions from your different cultural backgrounds. Choose one or both, and add cross-references to the narrative. Feel free to meld and borrow, while avoiding cultural appropriation or assigning bogus indigenous origins to invented traditions.

Bearing in mind that there is no authorised version, so you are free to find and express individual meaning in unity rituals, work with your celebrant to craft a narrative that reflects your shared values.

Photography: Pepper June from Ching & Iwen’s Charming Cosy Wedding at Three Blue Ducks 

Embracing Traditions with Confidence

Tradition can feel like control, but it usually isn’t. When family members advocate for certain customs, like wearing white or not seeing each other before the ceremony, it often stems from a heartfelt desire for good luck or fear of bad luck.

Recognise the love and hope behind these traditions. Acknowledge the fear, and then either keep the tradition and change the narrative, reinvent it, or confidently set it aside.

About the author: Jenny, The Inclusive Celebrant, has been creating innovative ceremonies and solemnising legal marriages since 2006. Jenny is known for her mindful approach to her clients and her craft, and for her strong and consistent advocacy for ethical practice, celebrant education, and removal of gender role stereotypes and traditions from celebrant-led ceremonies.