Before I start on this article, I would like to say I have no psychology training and in no way hold myself out to be an expert or even be correct, in my musings – past or future. I speak from my heart on things that matter to me, and things that I have learned (and continue to learn) from the mistakes I have made. I give them to you, to make use of, or not. As I am normally a very private person, I am calling my courage to me……………
Most of us would like to think we have the courage to be ourselves – even in the face of pressure to conform. There will be more pressure to conform at certain points of your life – to have a ‘cookie cutter’ wedding, to have the ‘right’ pram or designer labels when you have a baby, to send your children to the ‘right’ school for example.
How do you acquire the courage to be yourself – perhaps even to say ‘no ‘? I still struggle with this in my fifties – yet I know somewhere in my core, that to get on that relentless treadmill of having, doing, wishing for the same things as everyone else, is to set myself up for dissatisfaction with my lot in life and an all pervading sense of failure. For there will always be someone who has done it ‘better’ (read – differently) than you.
If your heart is set on a large wedding with all the bells and whistles, be deeply honest with yourselves about your reasons for doing it this way. Your honesty may start a life-long discussion about what is really important to you as a couple. And if neither of you have any reservations, jump in and click your heels three times and follow the yellow brick road to the wedding of your dreams.
If you can’t afford, or don’t want an elaborate celebration, remember there is beauty in heartfelt simplicity. Look at, and use the things around you in a new way, ask family and friends for help. Add touches that mean something to you – something that incorporates a memento from your heritage, a special interest, or a nod to a special person in your life. Love what you find and what you do.
Don’t be influenced into inviting people, buying things, being extravagant, by anybody. What do you want as a couple?
So this is just small plea to you – think soulful, think real and think outside the square. It is YOUR day – make it a day that you will remember with a song in your heart.
Beautiful and valuable advice.Thank you. Everyone should take a step back and think about this. Truly great advice, but not always easy to do especially when religion and family tradition are to be respected. 🙂
Everything you wrote is great *except* for the disclaimer at the top of the post. You too need not to be afraid of what people think of you and your opinion. So I’m giving you the same advice you gave us brides: think about your motives for blogging, what you really care about… and then don’t preface your heart-felt choices with a piece of PC bs in order to avert criticism. Like for weddings, criticism is an unavoidable part of being true to yourself. Blessed be.
Cathrin – It is difficult with family and cultural tradition, so i suppose there is also a balance between being true to who you are as a couple but still honouring your family/culture
Rosanna- I think for a blogging newbie it’s still new territory! I think Mother Polka tries to set the scene and give us a bit of background as to what has helped her form her opinion. We’re both very aware of being too preachy in things that we write (is that where I got it from?) which is perhaps part of the reason behind such a disclaimer.
your advice is reaaly valuable
The point I was trying to make (and maybe I wasn’t able to get my point across) is that what is perceived as “preachy” might be preachy, but it might also be that some readers – for reasons depending on their culture (PC is an all-American phenomenon, like apple pie) or personal experience – can charge you of something you aren’t really doing just because they feel uncomfortable and don’t accept that the origin of that discomfort is within themselves.
So, being open to criticism is excellent but allowing criticism to change the way you express yourself – at least at times can be too much.
For the future I hope that the world would be less of a place where everybody moans and whines if other people don’t soothe them… which is what you were saying, in a sense, when you wrote “Don’t be influenced into inviting people, buying things, being extravagant, by anybody”.
So I say to you: don’t be influenced into writing something in a given way, or not writing it, or changing what you want to say by ANYBODY. Then, if/when they criticize you, analyze the criticism, see if there is something in it you can build on top of and ***trash the rest***, hurt included.
Mother Polka, Good for your for saying all of this. And for having the courage to blog. Putting our words, ideas, our whole selves into the world isn’t easy. The world, including the wedding world and the wedding itself, can be tough! Look forward to more of your musings… be bold & it will ring true. : )
I love this advice. I’ve been planning our wedding for 18mths now (very slowly) and we now get married in 8 mths. Its very refreshing to read your article and put things back into perspective… its soooooo easy to get carried away with wedding ‘things’. The extravagence can get too much. And this from someone who HATES attention on them, so reading your article was very helpful in the middle of planning.
Thanks!
Thank you. I’m recently engaged after 11 years with my partner and we are aiming to get married within 6 months, and already feeling the pressure from family members to invite other family members who we don’t even know, and do this and that…..! We both want a small, relaxed celebration with our very closest friends and family and your advice will help us ‘stick to our guns’. It is after all, our day.
I have really enjoyed reading the various opinions and comments put forward by you. Rest assured I won’t be influenced into writing in a given way or changing what I say! Not everyone will agree with me! I think long and hard about what I want to say and how I want to say it and feel I have the courage of my convictions to put my thoughts out there for you all to see. If it gives ‘permission’ from afar over the ether for one couple to really do what they feel is right for them, despite outside influences, then I am happy.
I am closely attached to the best bridal blog in Australasia and read with tremendous interest Mother Polka’s musings. I think the article raises the point that weddings today are a celebration of the love between two wonderful people and the manifestation of that! Fortunately couples today have far greater licence to celebrate much more according to being real to their very own wishes. I do think that there is ofcourse a minefield of dipolomacy that must be traversed through out the planning. The balance of in -laws, guests, budgets,reception options, mixed traditions, inter faith and so much more will always be there. I think that this is a wonderful thing. I believe that planning a wedding is an initiation and passage of the couples future issues condensed over a very short period of time. Learning to really assert and yet at the same time balance is life!! I love the comments posted by Mother Polka. As we enter a new decade happy 2010 to all. Henry Roth